After the Fall
by Adeline Smith
Summary: Clyde ended it all before his life had a chance to really begin. Now, he can only imagine what might have been if he'd held on a little longer.


This is how I dove- like a swimmer, in an arch. My arms were stretched forward, above my head, reaching out to meet gravity. My eyes were tucked behind me, taking in the confusing blue of the sky. I thought of water vapor. And, then I connected with the ground and it was over. Exit Clyde Donovan.

My remains were unrecognizable. They might have had to resort to my dental records to identify me, and maybe even that was a long shot. But, I left a note, and a phone message. I hoped that would suffice. My father and sister helped to organize some sort of memorial for me, but it was a quiet one. They didn't want to answer questions or think about it any more than they had to. My room was left untouched for the few weeks that it took for the shock to settle in. And, then it was all boxed up and sent to the salvation army.

I'd been depressed for a long time. Longer than I could remember. But, I hadn't seriously thought of suicide until after Kenny died. I wasn't the brightest guy. Math made my neurons shut off. But, I did think about things, like the time Kenny told me that he'd died a million times, but never had he been granted the fortune of rest. I thought he was being poetic. Then, one day he was discovered hanging by his neck, with a note that said "See you soon.". I thought there was a strange twisted humor about that. He didn't come back soon as he'd promised.

Then, there was Craig. My best friend, and the subject of countless matubatory fantasies. Messed up right? He thought so too. I didn't mean to tell him either. I was drunk. He was not. He stopped speaking to me after that and that was when I decided to call it quits. The funny thing is I would learn later on, after death, that his silence was less about disgust and more about confusion. He didn't know how to feel about me, and he wasn't disgusted. I guess he might have been interested if I'd given him a chance. He was my last call. I'd called him a bunch of times that week, and he'd never answered. That's why I had to leave a message.

I was crying, of course. How typical. I sounded like a mess in the message, and it would haunt Craig for years after I was gone. I watched him cry as he listened to that message. I'd never seen him cry in my lifetime. Death comes with all sorts of privilages.

Meeting Kenny again was one of death's many perks. He was waiting to be sent back again, enjoying rest while he still could. No one else would remember he'd been gone when he got back. We talked a lot after I died. It turns out we had a lot in common that we never knew about in life. We both had a nostalgic relationship with porn magazines in the age of instant gratification and computer technology. He liked I guy too. It was too bad he had to go back to the land of the living. We were having a pretty okay time down here. He visits every so often, when he gets bored or tired of having the secret of his immortality up there, he just kills himself painlessly and we have visits. Damien isn't as bad as I used to think either. His dad actually happens to be a pretty cool guy. I can't say I'm lonely down here. But, I never stop thinking of Craig.

Irony: I died to get Craig out of my head, and now I've got an eternity to ponder what could have been. I guess I could tell Kenny to send a message for me, but it would come off sounding like a tasteless joke. Craig doesn't know I am still here. He still mourns me in his own way. He's withdrawn into himself since I died. I hate knowing that he's missing out on human bonding because of me, but some part of me is glad that I wasn't forgotten overnight.

I'm pretty much the same person I was before death. I'm into sports. I think dirty thoughts. I cry too often. There is no transformation after death. I will always be the person I was the way Craig remembers me, as long as he remembers me. I've watched him seriously consider joining me, but prayed (to what?) that he'd keep living. Craig is my last true connection to the living. My family has found closure with me, and I with them, but Craig remains a very open wound. I might regret ending it like I did, but what is the use? The fact is I did jump. The fact is I left him behind for this.


End file.
